50 Ways to Leave this Letter

pain in the ass

  1. This is the funniest thing I have ever seen.
  2. Obviously, I fail as a parent.
  3. Or win. Do I win something? Perhaps I win at failing?
  4. Maybe it’s a mix: wailing. As in, “I’m wailing with laughter.”
  5. My kid can’t see my laughter. Keep it together, Kristen.
  6. He wrote this note on origami paper and slipped it under the bathroom door when I was peeing.
  7. Thank the good lord there was a door between the two of us when I read this letter. It took me five minutes to compose my “Mom means serious business and this didn’t make me laugh at all, not one bit” face.
  8. He was angry about some unjust decision I’d made regarding the family’s new Kindle Fire.
  9. Now he’s grounded from the family’s new Kindle Fire.
  10. I didn’t say, “Now just wait until your father comes home.” I’ve never said that. I’m a fully capable parent.
  11. Oh wait. Maybe not. See above.
  12. For the record, his father laughed hysterically when I texted him a picture of the note.
  13. It took him a full five hours at work to compose his “Dad means serious business and this didn’t make him laugh at all, not one bit” face.
  14. I’ve sent a picture of this note to friends and family members who were having bad days, and it inspired much smiling and laughter.
  15. This note is spreading JOY. This note contributes a net good to the world.
  16. This note is doing God’s work.
  17. At least I think so. I feel as if God is giving me some major side-eye right now.
  18. This is not a good note. I should not be celebrating it.
  19. I am a stern, serious parent. I am raising human beings who will make positive contributions to this world.
  20. How can my child make positive contributions to this world if he writes notes like this to his own mother?
  21. Actually, “writing a nasty note to your mother” and “making a positive contribution to the world” are not mutually exclusive activities. Logic gives me hope.
  22. Little kids shouldn’t write things like this to their mothers.
  23. But every mother should be so lucky as to receive a note like this one.
  24. Just admit it: you’re jealous that your kid has never written you such a splendid message.
  25. Don’t tell anyone, but sometimes I am a pain in the ass.
  26. And also a pan in the ass.
  27. I’m secretly proud of my child for sounding out every single word in this note.
  28. He’s worked so hard on reading and writing over the past year. My little boy is growing up so fast!
  29. Maybe I should show this to his kindergarten teacher so she can see how much progress he’s made since he was in her class.
  30. No. That is a terrible idea.
  31. Notice how he misspells “dear” and “pain” but gets “ass” right.
  32. And how he carefully scrawls each letter: a-s-s, as if he really wants to make sure I know just what sort of pain I am.
  33. Where in the hell did he learn the phrase “pain in the ass”? I sure as shit have slipped some choice words in front of the kids, but “pain in the ass” isn’t one of them.
  34. Fuck you, Home Alone.
  35. Oh wait, Kevin’s brother didn’t call him a pain in the ass in the movie. He called him a pain in the butt…
  36. My child can use synonyms!
  37. This is a good note. This is a marvelous note. This is a splendiferous note.
  38. I should be embarrassed that my child wrote me this note. Ashamed. Mortified. Humiliated.
  39. Nah. I’m 1% disappointed, 99% proud.
  40. My kid saw 100% of the disappointment and approximately 15% of the pride.
  41. He deserved to hear that I was proud of him for sounding out his words.
  42. And for calmly expressing his un-calm feelings.
  43. He’ll hear about the full extent of my pride some day when he’s much older.
  44. Because I plan to bring this note up at least fifteen times a year when he’s an adult.
  45. At his graduation(s). On his first day of his first job. When he brings girlfriends or boyfriends home to meet the folks. At his wedding. When he calls me just to say “hello.” When he’s annoyed and exasperated with me for being, well, you know…
  46. When his own children act like mannerless hooligans.
  47. This note needs to go on the photo montage at my funeral some day.
  48. Or whatever it is they do at funerals in the future. The hologram reel? The reanimated zombie-corpse Vaudeville act?
  49. I’m putting that in the will.
  50. And I’m putting this note in the box where I keep my treasured cards and letters because, indeed, it is a treasure.
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Comments

  1. Ren says:

    I love both his note and your post. Very funny. Kids are so unintentionally hilarious sometimes!

  2. […] the emotional connection I feel to those ordinary moments of imperfection. It’s the look of my kids’ squishy cheeks and pouty lips. The intent expressions on their faces […]

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