You’ve seen The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger video. Or maybe you haven’t. Maybe you’re not one of the 70 million-plus people who have watched this prime piece of YouTube hilarity that has been on the Internet for over four years, why haven’t you seen it yet?
I’ll give you a second to watch it for the first time, or to re-watch it if you need to refresh your memory.
Recovered from your side-splitting laughter yet? Because now, I want you to see why my husband and I refer to our 17-month-old as “The Honey Toddler.”
The Crazy Nastyass Honey Toddler
This is the honey toddler. Watch him climb on top of the piano. He’s pretty badass. Look at him run all around. Now he’s climbing on the end table. “Woah, watch out!” says that mom.
Eww, he just threw a Lego in the toilet? Oh, he’s chasing a cat? And trying to touch its butt? Oh my gosh! The honey toddler is just crazy!
The honey toddler has been referred to by his parents as the most fearless and destructive person on the planet. He really doesn’t give a shit. If he’s hungry, he’s…eww, what’s that in his mouth? Is that some bread crusts that he took out of the trash can? Honey toddler don’t care. Honey toddler just takes what he wants, he doesn’t give a shit.
Oh my gosh, watch him climb. He just climbed on top of the dining room table. The honey toddler’s really pretty badass. He has no regard whatsoever for his personal safety. Look at him just running and…eww! Eating a piece of grass he found in his brother’s shoe! Eww, what’s that, dirt? Oh, that’s nasty. He’s so nasty! Look at him, climbing and eating.
The honey toddler has a fairly short, squat body, and his skin is distinctly squishy, allowing him to fall down gently and, you know, have some padding when he lands. Now look, here’s an angry big brother coming to get his baseball card back from the honey toddler. You think honey toddler cares? Honey toddler don’t give a shit. He just holds right onto that baseball card, and he starts chewing on it. Eww, that’s disgusting.
Now, the honey toddler just waits around until his brothers are done eating lunch and then swoops in to pick up the scraps. He says, “You do all the work for me, and I’ll just eat whatever I find. What do you say, stupid?” Look at that piece of grilled cheese that just fell on the floor. “Thanks for the treat, stupid!” “Hey, come back here!” says the older brother. But honey toddler doesn’t care. The brothers eat all their lunch while the honey toddler just picks up the scraps.
Before bedtime, the honey toddler throws a tantrum because he’s tired. Look! Honey toddler just threw himself on the ground face first. Honey toddler just smacked the shit out of his face. FYI, he’s bleeding. But does honey toddler care? Does it bother him that he bit his own lip and has blood all over his teeth? Honey toddler doesn’t care. Honey toddler doesn’t give a shit. Look at this! Like nothing ever happened, the honey toddler just gets right back up and starts drinking his milk out of his sippy cup. Bloody teeth and milk. How disgusting.
The honey toddler.
This post was originally published on my former blog, Birthing Beautiful Ideas. My 17-month-old honey toddler is now a healthy, happy threenager who is slightly less destructive than his honey toddler self.